Remember back in 2006 when I was a cartoonist for like a week? That was neat.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Nate Corrects A Misleading MSNBC Article So That You Don't Have To
I have a problem with the way the following article is written -
Burglars snort ashes of cremated man and 2 dogs, thinking they'd stolen coke or heroin
The section that irks me:
Once they realized their error, the suspects discussed returning the remaining ashes but threw them in a lake instead because they thought their fingerprints were on the containers, sheriff's spokesman Judge Cochran said.
makes it seem like it went down like this:
Burglar 1: Wait, this isn't cocaine.
Burglar: 2: I believe that you are correct.
Burglar 1: These are the ashes. The ashes of a man if I am not mistaken.
Burglar 2: Yes. It would appear that we have snorted the ashes of a man.
Burglar 1: Yes, we have. Shall we return the ashes whence we found them?
Burglar 2: Alas, no, we shall not. Though it would be the morally correct thing to do, in our haste to snort this chimerical cocaine we have imprinted our fingerprints upon the urn.
Burglar 1: Yes, our fingerprints are on the urn and they could be used to identify us.
Burglar 2: Let us then dispose of this urn in the river, where the river's waters shall wash away our fingerprints, if not our sins.
Burglar 1: Yes, let us.
when it really went down like this:
Burglar 1: (Snorts a line) Dude . . . the fuck? This is shitty coke.
Burglar 2: Yeah (snorts a line). Fuck. Wait, is this even coke?
Burglar 1: (snorting another line)
Burglar 2: What the fuck does it say on this gay ass vase anyway?
Burglar 1: (snorting another line)
Burglar 2: "In loving memory."
Burglar 1: (snorting another line) Shitty coke, man.
Burglar 2: In loving memory? The fuck does that mean?
Burglar 1: (snorting another line) Like on a tombstone, dude. Like when someone's dead.
Burglar 2: (thinking)
Burglar 1: (snorting another line)
Burglar 2: Wait . . THE FUCK DUDE!
Burglar 1: (interrupted from snorting another line) What dude?
Burglar 2: FUCK!
Burglar 1: What dude?
Burglar 2: Dude, it's a dude!
Burglar 1: What?
Burglar 2: We're snorting a dude! Ashes, dude! A dude's ashes!
Burglar 1: Fuck!
Burglar 2: Fuck!
Burglar 1: Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhahhhhhhhhggggggha!
Burglar 2: What the fuck! What the fuck! What the fuck! What the fuck!
Burglar 1: Blllllllarrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaggggggggggg!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Not Funny "Ha-Ha," But Funny . . . .Well, Actually Probably Not Funny
Zsa Zsa Gabor jokes about losing a leg
That, ummm . . . that just doesn't really sound like a joke.
Los Angeles (CNN) -- When Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband told the actress Saturday night that her right leg was amputated Friday she joked about it, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt said Sunday. "She said 'I'm gonna die anyhow,'" Von Anhalt said.
That, ummm . . . that just doesn't really sound like a joke.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS
I have seen far too many of these stories to allow this injustice against my people to continue any longer.
Man, 89, comes clean, returns book after 76 years
And by "my people" I mean the Library Billing Clerks of America - which might just be me for all I know since nobody else showed up to our convention last year at the Ramada Inn off Route 36 in Decatur.
A story like the above seems to crop up in the news every six months or so. And by "crop up in the news" I mean that it somehow makes the front page of CNN. The template for these stories is always along these lines:
(1) Person returns books after X amount of years
(2) Library fines would be something like a dime a day for X amount of years
(3) LOL OMG THAT'S SUCH A HUGE AMOUNT TO HAVE TO PAY FOR A BOOK OMG ROFL!
(4) Nice library just happy to have the book back, won't charge the patron X amount of years worth of library fines.
NO!
NO!
Do you know what I do for a living? You didn't think that I made all my money blogging, did you? I bill people for books that they don't return. And then I argue with those people about how they shouldn't have been billed for the book because we never sent a fucking courier on a unicorn to their front door to deliver a scroll from the Queen explicitly stating that they've had our copy of War and Peace for six months and we would really like to have it back. That's what I do. That's it.
If you don't return a book you get billed for it. Depending on the library, this might just be the cost of replacement or it might be more. If you don't return a book the library doesn't charge you library fines in perpetuity. There are probably laws against that. Think about it: Does anything else work like that? If you check out a movie from Blockbuster or Redbox, do they charge you the rental fee UNTIL THE END OF TIME?! DO THEY?! DO THEY?!
NO!
NO!
NO!
NO!
So why would it work that way with libraries? Just look at all these stories -
http://www.google.com/search?q=library+books+returned+late
There's even one about how George Washington owes over $100,000 for two library books he checked out in 1789 -
George Washington owes $100K in library fines
No! No he doesn't!
And on a completely unrelated note, here's a metal song I've been working on. It's probably about 75% done. I was actually intending to make a death metal song, but this is more thrash than anything else -
http://music.nathanbaty.com/music/QuantumSuicide.mp3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)