Nate Corrects A Misleading MSNBC Article So That You Don't Have To

I have a problem with the way the following article is written -

Burglars snort ashes of cremated man and 2 dogs, thinking they'd stolen coke or heroin

The section that irks me:


Once they realized their error, the suspects discussed returning the remaining ashes but threw them in a lake instead because they thought their fingerprints were on the containers, sheriff's spokesman Judge Cochran said.


makes it seem like it went down like this:

Burglar 1: Wait, this isn't cocaine.

Burglar: 2: I believe that you are correct.

Burglar 1: These are the ashes.  The ashes of a man if I am not mistaken.

Burglar 2: Yes.  It would appear that we have snorted the ashes of a man.

Burglar 1: Yes, we have.  Shall we return the ashes whence we found them?

Burglar 2: Alas, no, we shall not.  Though it would be the morally correct thing to do, in our haste to snort this chimerical cocaine we have imprinted our fingerprints upon the urn.

Burglar 1: Yes, our fingerprints are on the urn and they could be used to identify us.

Burglar 2: Let us then dispose of this urn in the river, where the river's waters shall wash away our fingerprints, if not our sins.

Burglar 1: Yes, let us.

when it really went down like this:

Burglar 1: (Snorts a line) Dude . . . the fuck?  This is shitty coke.

Burglar 2: Yeah (snorts a line).  Fuck.  Wait, is this even coke?

Burglar 1: (snorting another line)

Burglar 2: What the fuck does it say on this gay ass vase anyway?

Burglar 1: (snorting another line)

Burglar 2: "In loving memory."

Burglar 1: (snorting another line)  Shitty coke, man.

Burglar 2: In loving memory?  The fuck does that mean?

Burglar 1: (snorting another line) Like on a tombstone, dude.  Like when someone's dead.

Burglar 2: (thinking)

Burglar 1: (snorting another line)

Burglar 2: Wait . . THE FUCK DUDE!

Burglar 1: (interrupted from snorting another line) What dude?

Burglar 2: FUCK!

Burglar 1: What dude?

Burglar 2: Dude, it's a dude!

Burglar 1: What?

Burglar 2: We're snorting a dude!  Ashes, dude!  A dude's ashes!

Burglar 1: Fuck!

Burglar 2: Fuck!

Burglar 1: Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhahhhhhhhhggggggha!

Burglar 2: What the fuck!  What the fuck!  What the fuck!  What the fuck!

Burglar 1: Blllllllarrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaggggggggggg!