DALLAS, TX— The political world was rocked Thursday morning following announcements from several of Newt Gingrich's top aides that they were abandoning the former Speaker's presidential campaign.
Campaign manager Rob Johnson broke down in tears when reached for comment Thursdays: "I . . . I . . . What happened? Where did all the time go? Where am I? I was sitting in a meeting just a few hours ago talking about the Clinton impeachment proceedings and joking with [senior aide] Dave Carney about this funny thing on Seinfeld and then suddenly there's this Obama guy I've never heard of and everything's just so strange and weird and . . . a black man as President? That can't be right . . . and what the fuck is this thing? An iPad? I . . . I don't even know what that is . . . where's the keyboard? What sort of voodoo magic is this? Somebody hold me . . . I'm, I'm scared."
Several other aides were hospitalized as of Thursday late afternoon. A doctor at Georgetown University speaking on the condition of anonymity stated that all displayed signs of severe temporal displacement. "It's like the last twenty years never happened. We showed the group pictures of Justin Bieber and not one of them could successfully identify him. [Top aide] Scott Rials asked who that girl with the weird hair was. And they all kept wanting to listen to Pearl Jam's Ten over and over again and play with their Beanie Babies. I don't even know what a Beanie Baby is! And when we gave [press secretary] Rick Tyler a cell phone in hopes that he would contact his family, he ate it. The whole thing! He ate the whole fucking thing! And where the fuck did they get those flannel shirts from? Nobody here gave them flannel shirts! I want to know where those shirts came from!"
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