Frodo Didn't Do Shit

Okay, today we're going to discuss The Lord of the Rings. We're going to focus on the last movie since I just watched it for the first time. No, that isn't a time-stamp typo you see on this blog - it is 2011. Look, I've been busy. There was that housing market bubble, Saddam Hussein was captured, George Bush elected for a second term, John Paul II died, the Indian Ocean tsunami, Lance Armstrong won the Tour De France twice, balloon boy, Michael Jackson died, four Olympics, Mel Gibson DUI, Friends finale, Atkins, Howard Dean's scream, Nipplegate, the Xbox 360 released, Youtube launched, every Twilight book and movie, Writers Guild strike, Hurricane Katrina, Saddam Hussein executed, Facebook launched, bird flu, iPhones, iPads, Ricky Martin's gay, what else do I have to say? We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning, we didn't start the . . . sorry, got sidetracked there. What were we talking about about? Oh, yeah, right. So then Netflix finally sent me a copy of The Return of the King and I had time to sit down and watch it.

I am going to approach this through a series of questions:

What the fuck, Frodo?

Why is he the hero of this movie? What exactly did he do? He spent the entire third film either (1) getting knocked unconscious (2) getting wrapped up in spider goo (3) being an untrusting little bitch (4) having Sam throw him over his shoulder and carry him around. And the cherry on the fuck-up pie? He almost ruined everything at the end by refusing to toss the ring into the fire. Then everybody is chanting his name and bowing to him? What?

Sam did everything! Everything! And what does he get for it? He gets to bust his ass at some crappy job in Hobbitland with a wife who probably ballooned up to 300 pounds after the movie ended. And what does Frodo get? He gets to take a ship to Elf Island, where everybody lives forever and it rains gumdrops and the lakes are full of Cherry Coke. How did that conversation go down?

Sam: Mr. Frodo, you can't leave us! Where will you go?

Frodo: To Elf Island, Sam.

Sam: What?

Frodo: Elf . . .

Sam: I heard you. Don't you, like, live forever there?

Frodo: Yes, Sam, that is the idea.

Sam: Can I . . . can I come?

Frodo: No, Sam This must be my burden to bear.

Sam: Burden? 

Frodo: (gazes longingly into the distance for several minutes)

Sam: What the fuck, dude?

Frodo: (still gazing)

Sam: You didn't even do shit. And I got to stay here in Hobbitville while you're off scaring up Elf tail in Live Forever Land?

Frodo: (still gazing)

Sam: Fuck you.

What sort of wizard are you, Gandalf?

Because you're apparently not the sort of wizard that, you know, does magic or anything. Sure, you drove those dragons away once with your wand. But can you shoot some fireballs, or freeze everybody with some sort of freeze-spell, or summon lighting, or . . . you can't do any of those things? Huh. Well, I guess keep clubbing ogres with your wand then. And while we're on the subject -

What's up with the eagles?

You had eagles? Huge eagles? This whole time? Eagles that rip through dragons like they're made of paper-mache? We've been getting our asses handed to us by dragons and you never thought to unleash the eagles? Did you think somebody would throw a fit if you were like, oh, hey, just by the way, I have a grip of mega-eagles with a taste for dragon blood that aren't doing anything right now . . . any interest in deploying them against these winged lizards that are currently decimating our ranks?

So the reinforcements are a magical army of the dead?

That can cut through all the enemies? With incredible ease? At lightning speed? How . . . convenient.

Why didn't Frodo die?

Doesn't this movie scream for some sort of sacrifice? No good guys really died. Nobody important at least. This may come as a shock to you, since it did take me the better part of a decade to get around to watching The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, but I always assumed that Frodo died in the end.

No! Not at all! After getting rescued from the volcano, Frodo wakes up in bed in a brightly lit room as the members of the fellowship trickle in to greet him. I assumed that at some point the camera would focus on the fellowship and then turn back to Frodo, revealing then that the fellowship was actually standing at his grave, the bedroom scene having been Frodo in the heaven Gandalf talked so much about. Not only did this not happen, the movie then went on another thirty minutes, at least fifteen minutes of which were filled with Frodo staring directly into the camera and smiling. And I think another five minutes might have been recycled footage from the ending of Star Wars. I'm not sure. I kept looking for a Wookie in the crowd. And did Aragorn start singing at the end? Did that happen? What the fuck is this? Magnolia? Does anybody remember that movie? No? Okay, moving on.

This ending pisses me off so much I demand that Peter Jackson drop everything he is doing and reshoot the ending of the movie to include my Frodo death scene idea. How can you have all those big speeches about heaven and not have anybody die? That's just poor storytelling. I'm going to start an online petition as soon as somebody shows me how to start an online petition. Is Ian McKellen still alive? It doesn't matter; we'll just CGI him in if necessary.

I Now Spend My Days Watching Reruns of Alf

Did I mention I recently got a 3D TV and cable? Well that might explain the lack of blogtastic blogs, as my life now revolves around watching approximately 7 hours a day of 3D boxing, reruns of That 70's Show, and programs about how aliens built the pyramids. God I've missed you, cable. Welcome home.

But anyway, time to get back to doing what I do best.

Blogging, I mean.

Man that's sad.

Since my last blog the US has had its credit rating downgraded from AAA to AA-plus by Standard & Poor's. I think they also took the little gold star away from our rating. Maybe a smiley face or two as well.

Standard & Poor's is a division of McGraw-Hill. Think about that for a second. The WORLD ECONOMY is currently being dragged into a financial maelstrom by A COMPANY THAT PUBLISHES TEXTBOOKS FOR CHILDREN AND AVIATION WEEK.

Yep.

So let us now turn our attention to those countries which have been deemed the best places to keep your money by a company whose major assets include television station KERO-TV, an ABC affiliate operating out of Bakersfield, California. I believe that there is an episode of Wheel of Fortune airing later tonight if you are at all interested and within 30 miles or so of Bakersfield.

Australia

A perfectly fine place to keep your money though it should be pointed out that one out of every three bank tellers in Australia is a kangaroo wearing a people mask.

Canada

Honestly, there's about a 32% chance that all this grief we're taking in the world press is going to cause us to lose our shit and take you over, Canada.

Denmark

Hamlet is from there. So they got that going for them. I honestly couldn't find it on a map.

Germany

LOL . . . no.  Just . . . no. So I guess we've all sort of decided to turn a blind eye to that whole losing two world wars thing? It's not like it happened 400 years ago or something.

Holland

Hypothetical question: If Holland detached from the Netherlands and subsequently sank, how long would it take before anybody else noticed? Two weeks? A month? Longer? I suppose at some point our college students who were heading there to smoke pot would be confused when their airplane landed in the ocean.

Norway

I like black metal. I like black metal a lot. Also, the country has recently been in the news because a mad man decided to express his hatred of Muslims by . . . killing scores of blue-eyed, blonde-haired kids. Yeah, that's . . . that's confusing.

Singapore

Wait, isn't this country mostly known for sex-change operations and caning people? Sure, give 'em your money. What the hell. Caning makes perfect sense. Wait - it isn't 1927? Oh, well then hold on for one second . . . 

Sweden

Death metal! I like me some death metal too. This country also did do a great job of hiding gold for their masters, the Nazis, so maybe it is a good place to keep your money.

Switzerland

But as much as Sweden loved that sweet, sweet Nazi gold, it can't hold a torch to the Swiss. Did you ever notice that you can rearrange the letters in "Switzerland" to spell "Nazis R We Ltd?" Yeah, think about it.

Austria

Is this still a country? Really? Are we sure? This isn't one of those things where we forgot to take it off the map after WWII, right? Actually a country? You're sure? Okay, I'll take your word for it, internets. But if I look at a globe tomorrow and see it next to the Ottoman Empire, I'll know something is up.

Finland

Whatever.

France

Okay, now you're just trying to piss me off.

England

So a small island country that is currently engulfed in riots, that has a queen despite the fact that it's not 1437, that was at risk twice in the last hundred years of becoming New Germany, is a better place to keep your money than the USA? You know what? Do whatever you want with your money. I'm going to go figure out what all this Real Housewives fuss is about.