Wait . . . . Are We Trying to Throw Lindsay Lohan in Jail Because She Put On a Necklace and Forgot She Had It On?

Is that what we're doing? Hmmm . . . I see. Look, kids, I understand how we as a society need to destroy her. I get it. Nate's cool like that. I'm "down." But can't we wait until she rolls her Benz some morning and kills three kids at a bus stop or stabs an assistant to death with the heel of her Dolce & Gabbana pump because he got her the wrong size latte? Also, until forty seconds ago when I googled "expensive women's shoes," I assure you that I had no idea what the fuck Dolce & Gabbana was.

Do you want to hear the story about the one time I stole something? Well, something other than women's hearts and $236 from a Chevron one moonless, cold night back in 1999. That cashier's screams still haunt me. Please, I have a family! Wait - forget that last thing.

Okay, the one time I stole something. It was probably eight years ago at a Blockbuster Video. If you're reading this in 2014, go ahead and google "Blockbuster Video." I'll wait.

I can't remember what video I was renting. Let's pretend it was something good. So I was waiting in line with my copy of Bio-Dome . . . The Pianist when I decided to grab a Coke from one of the fridges they strategically place right next to the checkout line. I must have been almost half way home before I realized that I had the Coke in my hand and had walked out without paying for it. And do you want to know what I did? I went home and I drank that Coke and it was the sweetest Coke I had ever drank. Like God Himself had popped open a vein and out flowed sweet, sweet Coca-Cola. So, the lesson is, kiddies, steal. Steal a lot. And expensive things too. Wait . . . what the fuck was I talking about?

Oh yeah, Lindsay.

Is she single?