Et tu, LeBron?
Bill Simmons ended yesterday's column on Lebron's "Decision" with this -
What a week for LeBron's brand. I just hope he remembers to wipe the blood off the knife after he pulls it from Cleveland's back.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/100708
But that's the wrong way to look at it. Knifing Cleveland in the back would have kind compared to what Lebron did. A mercy killing. A knife to the back would have been a curt press release stating that LeBron was leaving Cleveland for the glitz, glamor, and venereal diseases of South Beach. No, LeBron wanted to look Cleveland in the face as he knifed it, his hand pressed over Cleveland's mouth. And he laughed, Cleveland. He laughed the entire time he was knifing you with his knife, the handle of which was already adorned with the Miami Heat's logo.
And Dwyane Wade? He just stood there and watched. And laughed, too.
And Chris Bosh? Actually, he got lost on the way to the knifing and kept circling the block in his taxi, but know that he was there in spirit.
So I guess the point I'm trying to make is this: If you're going to fuck over an entire state that loves you more than Santa Claus and Jesus and a warm Summer's day and Mom's apple pie combined, don't do it on a contrived one-hour prime-time show for the entire nation to watch.
Honestly, right up to the point where LeBron announced his decision, I still wasn't convinced that he was leaving Cleveland, despite all the "sources" saying otherwise. I wasn't convinced because I thought: Who could do this to an entire city? An entire state? Wouldn't that person have to be a sociopath? To be unable to comprehend the effect his actions had on others? Surely an hour-long television special must mean that LeBron intends to stay? LeBron will announce that he's staying and the show will be a LeBron LeLovefest
But no.
It was the opposite of that. The opposite with knives.
Let me answer a few of your questions.
Hi Nate. Let's me get right to the point. With such an oppressive history of shame and failure, should the city of Cleveland be razed?
Short answer, yes. Long answer . . . well, still yes.
So what are we talking about here? Relocating the city's residents over a period of six months to a year, then demolishing every structure, every skyscraper, every school, every hospital, every house, then salting the earth so that nothing will ever grow there again? Or are we talking about the National Guard showing up in the middle of the night, establishing a perimeter ten miles around the city in every direction, then calling in air support to drop thirty to forty low-yield nuclear weapons on the metropolis as they wait to pick off any mutated survivors who try to escape the nuclear ruins?
Funny thing about salting the earth: There's a big debate as to whether it is actually (1) an effective practice and (2) ever really took place in ancient times. Take a look at the discussion page of the Wikipedia entry:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Salting_the_earth
or google "Does salting the earth work?"
Oh, and obviously the latter option.
So, how are the other teams in the Eastern Conference . . . Wait . . . Did you just advocate murdering the entire population of a major American city?
LOL . . . no. Of course not. ROFL! : ) Look at this picture of a cat!
Fair enough. In respect to Cleveland owner Dan Gilbert's rambling, bizarre statement, wherein he promises a Cleveland title before a Heat title, what is going to be the ratio of funny to sad if the Heat win the title next year?
Almost fifty-fifty, to be honest. We might need a new word that means equal parts funny and sad. Do we have a word like that already? Probably.
On a scale of one to Judas, how profound is LeBron's betrayal?
Good question. It's definitely ahead of Lando betraying Han Solo and Benedict Arnold (that's "Han Solo STOP and Benedict Arnold" - I don't think Lando betrayed them both - or maybe he did - I haven't seen
The Empire Strikes Back in a while). I'm guessing that we're squarely in Fredo Corleone betraying his own brother territory.
So, how are the other teams in the NBA going to compete? Is it just Miami Heat titles for foreseeable future?
That's the ten-thousand dollar question. Bill Simmons was ready to give Chicago the next decade of titles if they won the LeBron sweepstakes. It's sort of hard to see how going to Miami to play with Wade and Bosh is a downgrade from Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose. If you want to argue for the Heat's failure, it's going to be because Wade and LeBron can't play together, which is entirely possible, or because two superstars and one maybe-superstar can't win without a team of solid role-players. What happens if they lose four in a row and the bickering begins? What if Wade misses a few last second jumpers and LeBron starts wondering why he isn't taking the shot?
In yesterday's column, Simmons dismisses the Heat's chances. I'm not sure if it's the case that he believes this, or if he's just bitter because he'll be an old, broken man by the time his beloved Boston Celtics can sniff another title. I'm sort of leaning toward the latter. As Simmons mentions in
today's column, the Lakers had arguably two of the best five players in the NBA at the time with Kobe and Shaq, and we saw how that went. The NBA is the league where the team with the best players tends to win more often than not. This isn't the NFL where anything can happen in a single game. Some team is going to have to play the Heat in a seven-game series and beat them four times.
Also keep in mind that we don't know yet what sort of team the Heat is going to build around the trio (I think that they have exactly one player under contract). It's possible that they will fill the roster with solid players who are willing to take a pay cut for an almost-certain title. Granted, there's this appealing idea that LeBron needs to be The Man and play with a solid supporting cast - the Michael Jordan blueprint. Then again, you have to admit that the naysayers might look sort of stupid when Miami wins seventy-five games next season and sweeps through the playoffs while essentially playing three on five. At least we can all have fun rooting against them.
Well, not you, Cleveland. You should have started evacuation procedures twenty minutes ago.
