Scenes from Mel Gibson Movies Rewritten in Light of Recent Events

I

Lethal Weapon

Suicidal loose-cannon, L.A.P.D. Detective Martin Riggs, is introduced to his new partner, L.A.P.D. Detective Roger Murtaugh.

Police Chief:  Riggs, come here.  I want you to meet your new partner, Detective Murtaugh.

Riggs:  Ohhhhhhhh, hell to the fucking no!

II

Mad Max

A small child, Timmy, explains to Max that his wife and son have been murdered by marauding motorcycle gang.

Timmy:  Max!  The motorcycle gang killed your wife and son!

Max:  Well, too bad about the kid.  But you have to admit the bitch sort of had it coming.  Always wearing those whore-dresses and that whore-makeup and the such.

Timmy:  What?

Max:  . . .

Timmy:  . . .

Max:  . . .

Timmy:  You know what, Max, you sort of make me uncomfortable.

Max:  Ha-Ha!  (rustling his hair with his hand)  No, I don't, Timmy!  No, I don't!


 

III

The Passion of the Christ


Actually, this one is pretty much the same.

IIII

Braveheart

Londoners watch as Scottish warrior, William Wallace, is tortured.
 
Royal Magistrate:  It can all end, right now.  Peace. Bliss.  Just say it.  Cry out mercy.

Crowd:  Mercy . . . mercy!

Royal Magistrate:  Cry out.  Just say it.  Mercy.

William:  (mumbling)

Royal Magistrate:  The prisoner wishes to say a word.

William:  THE JEWS CONTROL THE MEDIA AND OWN ALL THE BANKS AND KILLED CHRIST!  READ THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ZION!  READ IT!  OPEN YOUR EYES!

Royal Magistrate:  Wait, what?

William:  SUGAR TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!

IIIII

Hamlet


Prince Hamlet of Denmark enters the Royal Court.  A lady-in-waiting and several royal servants greet him.

Hamlet:  Where the fuck is Shylock?  Where the fuck is that jew Shylock?

Royal Servant:  I'm sorry, my lord, who?  Perhaps his lordship has suffered a blow to the head recently and is confused.

Hamlet:  Where the fuck is he?  I got his pound of flesh right here.

Hamlet withdraws his penis from his trousers.  A lady-in-waiting gasps and then faints.

Hamlet:  What?  You don't like what you see, sugar tits?  Fucking lesbo.

IIIIII

Signs

A former Episcopal priest, Graham Hess, hides from an alien attack in his basement with his son, Morgan, and daughter, Bo.

Bo:  Daddy, what are we going to do?

Graham:  It'll be all right, sweety.  What do you see on the TV, Morgan?  Any news?

Morgan:  The aliens are everywhere, dad.

Graham:  Now, are these the sorts of aliens that might, you know, only kill jews and black people and gays?

Morgan:  What?

Graham:  I'm just saying, son, let's see what we're dealing with here before we panic.

Morgan:  Dad, what sort of aliens only kill jews and black people and gays?

Graham:  The best damn aliens in the universe!  That's who, son!