Why Aren't We More Concerned About This?

I actually meant to post this three weeks ago when Mark David Chapman was up for parole again and all over the news.  But, you know, the laziness and all -

Just so we're all clear on this:  Mark David Chapman, the man who murdered John Lennon, is growing at a rate of approximately 1/6 of an inch a year.  THIS IS NOT NORMAL.  People get shorter as they get older.  They do not get taller.  Unless they are Mark David Chapman.

Extrapolating, in a little over two hundred years, Mark David Chapman will be a nine foot tall Supermonster, possibly with bright blue skin and some sort of barbed tail, that will have the capacity to smash out of the confines of its jail cell Incredible Hulk-style and violently dispatch the doomed prison guards.  What's that, you say?  People don't live two hundred + years?  Yeah, well until now they didn't grow taller as they grew older either.  Think about it.

Make of this information what you will, but don't say you weren't warned.

You were warned.

Hey! Radiohead! Stop Being Whiny Little Bitches and Play Peter Gabriel's Song!

I came across this interesting story while reading about Peter Gabriel's new album of cover songs Scratch My Back.  Gabriel's initial idea was to have each artist he covered on Scratch My Back cover one of his songs for a companion album, I'll Scratch Yours, which was to be released at a later time.  It seems like this plan hit a snag or two:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/jun/02/peter-gabriel-scratch-my-back

[T]here have been some high-profile drop-outs: Radiohead are no longer covering Wallflower, Gabriel's 1982 song about political prisoners in Latin America [. . .]  [Peter Gabriel] sent a stream of his cover of Radiohead's Street Spirit (Fade Out) [. . .] to Thom Yorke; the code used to access the music showed Gabriel whether the track was played. It was, but only once. "[Yorke] said he hadn't listened [to it]," Gabriel says, "but that seems very strange to me. It's pretty extreme, I guess. And I have heard since that the band didn't like what I did with it." Radiohead's record company declined to comment.

NO COMMENT!

First of all, what the fuck is up with everybody in this story coming across as schoolgirls passing notes with little "Do you like me?  Check 'Yes' or 'No'" messages on them?  It has to be because they're all British, right?  This shit wouldn't be happening between Pearl Jam and Lou Reed.

Setting aside the prissy Britishness of the whole thing, let me remind Radiohead of these two points:

(1) Digging in the Dirt and Solsbury Hill are better than anything you have ever done ever.  And yes I meant to use "ever" twice.  I'm allowed to do that.  It's called writing.

Now where was I?  Oh, yeah - Those two songs are better than anything on Pablo Honey and The Bends.  They are better than anything on OK Computer, which is your best album by far.  And they are definitely better than all those subsequent albums that sound like they were put together by an Aphex Twin tribute band in 1993.  Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if you were required to send Richard D. James a royalty check every month.

(2) Gabriel was in Genesis!  The good version of Genesis!  The really, really, really good version of Genesis!

Look - Thom . . . Can I call you Thom?  Actually, I should probably just call you Mr. Yorke because I'm not quite sure how to pronounce Thom . . . you don't pronounce the TH sound, right?  That would be weird, right?  It's just Tom but spelled with an H?  Seems like you could just leave the H out, but whatever.  Thom Cruise . . . that looks weird . . . okay . . . What we were talking about?  That's right: Genesis.

Genesis!  I want you to do something for me, Mr. Yorke.  I want you to stop doing that weird squinting thing you're always doing and go to the nearest Tower Records [Editor's Note: Yeah, they, umm, they don't exist anymore.] and buy a copy of The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway and a copy of Selling Britain by the Pound and listen to them both.  Listen to them real close-like.  Pay attention.  Go ahead.  I'll wait.  Now, and this is the important part, the next time that man asks you to sing one of his songs for him, you shut the fuck up, suck it up, and sing the song.  Okay?

Now, go record another album and do that thing you did with In Rainbows where you sell it online and let the consumers set the price they want to pay so I can give you zero moneys again.  Cheers!

Hey! Bill Simmons! Hey! Over Here! FUCK YOU!

I guess we can't blame The Most Popular Sportswriter in America (TM) for not understanding the inferiority complex us in Portland have in respect to our big brother to the north, Seattle.

Ahhh, fuck it, we'll blame him.

I was listening to the BS Report, Bill's podcast, on my way home from work today when I heard this exchange between Billy and JackO.  They're discussing possible cities where the MLB could relocate the attendance-deficient Tampa Bay Rays.  If you're from Portland, prepare to be sick -

(I've edited this down somewhat - if you want to hear the original podcast, go find it on itunes - the part I'm discussing starts around 49:50)

JackO: They mentioned Portland, Or-e-gone.  Portland just doesn't seem like a baseball town.

(That's right; he pronounced Oregon with the "gone" at the end.  Nothing drives people in Oregon crazier than this.  Not even the two-hundred straight days of rain every year.)

Bill:  Portland would have been my first choice.

JackO: (Gets in some shots about how we're hipsters who wouldn't support baseball and how it rains all the time - both good points, but, still, fuck you.)

Bill:  Seattle has a team and they do well (blah blah blah blah and then . . . wait for it . . . wait . . .) WHICH ONE IS CLOSER TO VANCOUVER?  I THINK IT'S PORTLAND.

(What?)

(The fuck?)

JackO:  No, Seattle is closer.

Bill:  Well, what's close to Portland?

JackO:  Seattle.

THEN THEY LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND, OH, JUST KEEP LAUGHING!  KEEP LAUGHING!  GOT A COUPLE OF FUNNY GUYS HERE!  HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT THE FUNNY GUYS!  IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE THE 23RD LARGEST METROPOLITAN AREA IN THE US OR ANYTHING . . . OH, WAIT - WE ARE!  THANK YOU WIKIPEDIA AND FUCK YOU, BILL SIMMONS!

After they finally finish laughing at us, Bill mentions how Portland has a nice minor league stadium that he passed by while visiting on his book tour last year.  You mean that stadium that's being converted into a soccer stadium because they couldn't get three thousand fans to show up for a Friday night baseball game?  That stadium?  Other than the fact that nobody ever went to a baseball game unless it was Thursday night when they sold cheap beer, yeah, it's a great stadium.

And since I mentioned soccer, how are all those columns you wrote about soccer a few months back during the World Cup holding up, Bill?  You know, the ones where you wrote about how soccer is finally ready to break into the mainstream?  How are they holding up, Billy?  Well?  Are they holding up well?  ARE THE COLUMNS YOU WROTE ABOUT HOW SOCCER IS FINALLY READY TO BECOME ONE OF THE BIGGEST SPORTS IN THE UNITED STATES HOLDING UP WELL?

. . . or has everybody all ready forgotten that soccer exists?

Now Sponsored by Coke and Kindle!

Yes, I own a Kindle.  I'm actually thinking of buying a second one.

Next up:  Does this guy ring a mental bell?

How about the tagline "The once daily tablet for natural male enhancement?"

That's right!  Penis pills!

Now, why are we talking about penis pills, Nate?   Stop asking so many questions and I'll tell you why.

[Editor's Note: Nobody's asking anything.]

We're talking about penis pills because I have an absolutely brilliant marketing idea that I am offering to Enzyte or to any of its competitors for the price of ONE MILLION American dollars ($1,000,000 USD)

[Editor's Note: I'm pretty sure you don't need both the dollar sign and the USD.]

The idea is an idea for a commercial and it is as follows:

We are looking at a young man standing in an art museum (put some portraits hanging in the background so that this is obvious).  His mouth opens slightly and then his head tilts to the side.

We cut to what he is looking at.  It is Michelangelo's statue of David.

But there's one "big" difference between this statue and the one with which we are all familiar.  Okay, how do I put this delicately?  This statue of David has a VERY LARGE PENIS.  Now, don't skimp on this; make sure you have a good computer graphics department that can make the digitally-enhanced David look realistic.

We cut back to the young man with his mouth agape and then your company's logo appears on the screen.  End commercial.

One.  Million.  Dollars.

You could also do a variation on the commercial where the young man is standing next to his girlfriend, the idea being that women cannot possibly respect you unless you have a HUGE PENIS.  This will make men want to purchase your product so that women will sleep with them.

I will give you one week to arrange the financing.  When you have the money, contact me via this blog and I will provide an address where you can drop-off a duffel bag of unmarked bills.

[Editor's Note:  I'm, um, pretty sure they could just write you a check for the amount.]

Come alone and DO NOT contact the police.  I repeat: DO NOT contact the police.  I will know if the drop site is under surveillance and if it is then the deal is off.

[Editor's Note:  Wait, what?]

Follow these directions EXACTLY if you ever want to see your daughter alive again.

[Daughter?  What the fuck just happened?]