Hey! Bill Simmons! Hey! Over Here! FUCK YOU!

I guess we can't blame The Most Popular Sportswriter in America (TM) for not understanding the inferiority complex us in Portland have in respect to our big brother to the north, Seattle.

Ahhh, fuck it, we'll blame him.

I was listening to the BS Report, Bill's podcast, on my way home from work today when I heard this exchange between Billy and JackO.  They're discussing possible cities where the MLB could relocate the attendance-deficient Tampa Bay Rays.  If you're from Portland, prepare to be sick -

(I've edited this down somewhat - if you want to hear the original podcast, go find it on itunes - the part I'm discussing starts around 49:50)

JackO: They mentioned Portland, Or-e-gone.  Portland just doesn't seem like a baseball town.

(That's right; he pronounced Oregon with the "gone" at the end.  Nothing drives people in Oregon crazier than this.  Not even the two-hundred straight days of rain every year.)

Bill:  Portland would have been my first choice.

JackO: (Gets in some shots about how we're hipsters who wouldn't support baseball and how it rains all the time - both good points, but, still, fuck you.)

Bill:  Seattle has a team and they do well (blah blah blah blah and then . . . wait for it . . . wait . . .) WHICH ONE IS CLOSER TO VANCOUVER?  I THINK IT'S PORTLAND.

(What?)

(The fuck?)

JackO:  No, Seattle is closer.

Bill:  Well, what's close to Portland?

JackO:  Seattle.

THEN THEY LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND, OH, JUST KEEP LAUGHING!  KEEP LAUGHING!  GOT A COUPLE OF FUNNY GUYS HERE!  HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT THE FUNNY GUYS!  IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE THE 23RD LARGEST METROPOLITAN AREA IN THE US OR ANYTHING . . . OH, WAIT - WE ARE!  THANK YOU WIKIPEDIA AND FUCK YOU, BILL SIMMONS!

After they finally finish laughing at us, Bill mentions how Portland has a nice minor league stadium that he passed by while visiting on his book tour last year.  You mean that stadium that's being converted into a soccer stadium because they couldn't get three thousand fans to show up for a Friday night baseball game?  That stadium?  Other than the fact that nobody ever went to a baseball game unless it was Thursday night when they sold cheap beer, yeah, it's a great stadium.

And since I mentioned soccer, how are all those columns you wrote about soccer a few months back during the World Cup holding up, Bill?  You know, the ones where you wrote about how soccer is finally ready to break into the mainstream?  How are they holding up, Billy?  Well?  Are they holding up well?  ARE THE COLUMNS YOU WROTE ABOUT HOW SOCCER IS FINALLY READY TO BECOME ONE OF THE BIGGEST SPORTS IN THE UNITED STATES HOLDING UP WELL?

. . . or has everybody all ready forgotten that soccer exists?