Now Sponsored by Coke and Kindle!

Yes, I own a Kindle.  I'm actually thinking of buying a second one.

Next up:  Does this guy ring a mental bell?

How about the tagline "The once daily tablet for natural male enhancement?"

That's right!  Penis pills!

Now, why are we talking about penis pills, Nate?   Stop asking so many questions and I'll tell you why.

[Editor's Note: Nobody's asking anything.]

We're talking about penis pills because I have an absolutely brilliant marketing idea that I am offering to Enzyte or to any of its competitors for the price of ONE MILLION American dollars ($1,000,000 USD)

[Editor's Note: I'm pretty sure you don't need both the dollar sign and the USD.]

The idea is an idea for a commercial and it is as follows:

We are looking at a young man standing in an art museum (put some portraits hanging in the background so that this is obvious).  His mouth opens slightly and then his head tilts to the side.

We cut to what he is looking at.  It is Michelangelo's statue of David.

But there's one "big" difference between this statue and the one with which we are all familiar.  Okay, how do I put this delicately?  This statue of David has a VERY LARGE PENIS.  Now, don't skimp on this; make sure you have a good computer graphics department that can make the digitally-enhanced David look realistic.

We cut back to the young man with his mouth agape and then your company's logo appears on the screen.  End commercial.

One.  Million.  Dollars.

You could also do a variation on the commercial where the young man is standing next to his girlfriend, the idea being that women cannot possibly respect you unless you have a HUGE PENIS.  This will make men want to purchase your product so that women will sleep with them.

I will give you one week to arrange the financing.  When you have the money, contact me via this blog and I will provide an address where you can drop-off a duffel bag of unmarked bills.

[Editor's Note:  I'm, um, pretty sure they could just write you a check for the amount.]

Come alone and DO NOT contact the police.  I repeat: DO NOT contact the police.  I will know if the drop site is under surveillance and if it is then the deal is off.

[Editor's Note:  Wait, what?]

Follow these directions EXACTLY if you ever want to see your daughter alive again.

[Daughter?  What the fuck just happened?]