Wait - Am I the Only Person Who Thinks Charlie Sheen is Being Completely Reasonable? Oh, Okay . . . Awkward.

Look, America, come over here for a minute. Put down that doughnut and that cheeseburger and . . . wait, why do you have both? No! Bad America! No! Don't press them together to form a doughnutburger! Stop it! Put it down! Okay . . . Now come over here and take a seat next to Uncle Nate.

Sigh . . . here it goes . . . I'm going to try to break this too you as nicely as I can.  America: You suck. You suck a lot. A lot a lot. If sucking were horses then you would . . . well, I guess you would all ride horses. Is that how the saying goes? I'll look into that later.

But it's okay, America. I suck too. We all suck. We all work soul-sucking jobs. We're all cowed by some asshole boss because we didn't get that spreadsheet done in time for the morning meeting.  We all go home to a spouse who can't stand us and a kids who don't respect us. We're all going to be completely forgotten by absolutely everyone twenty years after we've been put in the ground at a sparsely attended funeral. It's okay America; you tried your best. You tried your best and you failed. Now go grab that pint of ice cream from the freezer and sit in the tub and cry for a while as you shove 8,000 calories of Cherry Garcia down your gullet. I'll wait.

Feel better yet? Good.

Do you want to know who doesn't work a shitty job? Who isn't going to be forgotten when he's gone? Who sleeps on a pile of money and models in a mansion, the garage of which is bigger than any house you've ever rented?

Charlie Fucking Sheen, that's who.

So what if Charlie's going to suffer a crack-induced stroke at some point? America, you're going to die at 53 when that McNugget currently logged in your artery finally breaks loose and makes its way to your heart.

Let's say you're George Clooney. Fine, you're allowed to roll off of the Italian model du jour and tell Charlie Sheen that he needs to get his shit together. I'm okay with that. Also, George, could you open a new browser on your iPad right now and send me an email? Let's hang out. Can you teach me how to do that thing where you make your chin do that little shuffle when you're talking to a chick? I want that move.

Anyway, if you're one of the vast majority of Americans who isn't George Clooney, then put your stone down. Take a long, hard look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? Of course you don't. So let the Sheen-man be. He isn't hurting anybody.  Except maybe his family and obviously himself. And he did shoot Kelly Preston but that was a long time ago. And he probably slaps around the occasional call girl, but who hasn't, right? Okay, maybe he actually hurts a lot of people. But he does it with a little thing I like to call class. Which is more than I can say about you, America.