Rush Limbaugh: "Yes, Osama was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand!"

Remind me again why The Onion doesn't hire me write for them? Is it because I sent them an unsolicited email quoting my price at $700 per word, or $50,000 per article, whichever is higher? These words, they're gold Jerry! Gold!

NEW YORK CITY, NY—The political world was rocked by radio talk show host and right-wing proponent Rush Limbaugh's shocking admission that a decade long romance with mass murder and Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden was at the root of his recent attacks against President Obama.

Initial suspicions of the strange, untoward affair between the rotund radio announcer and the mass murderer of nearly three-thousand men, women, and children were raised Monday morning when Mr. Limbaugh launched into a bizarre diatribe aimed at President Obama, just hours after the President had announced to the world the killing of Osama bin Laden at the hands of U.S. special operations forces.

After an opening monologue where Mr. Limbaugh sarcastically praised the efforts of President Obama, the radio show took an unexpected and dark turn when Mr. Limbaugh faced questions from a caller.

George from Trenton: Why all the hate for Obama, Rush? He went in there and put a bullet in that [censored]'s head. And after Bush proved as impotent as an effeminate castrato to do the same.

Limbaugh: Listen here, George. A man died! A man! Do you understand that? A human being!

George: What? People were jumping out of skyscrapers while on fire, Rush!

Limbaugh: Listen you [censored]! Do you want the truth? Do you? Yes, Osama was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand!

George: Wait, what?

A White House source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated Tuesday that evidence of the affair was uncovered by the intelligence community soon after the May 1st raid that claimed the life of Osama bin Laden and four others. "The copy of [Rush Limbaugh's] See, I Told You So, signed, "To my dearest Mujahideen Osama! LOVE U 4 EVA BOO! You're[sic] Rushypoo," on the dresser was sort of a tip off. Plus all those photos of them on vacation. And those videos of them . . . them . . . look, I really don't want to go into it right now."

The President has declined to comment on the affair, which, according to personal emails leaked by a government source to the Associated Press early Wednesday, seems to have blossomed over Mr. Limbaugh and Osama Bin Laden's mutual hatred of Former President Clinton and "the Liberal Devil."

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reaffirmed the President's support for equality in all facets of life. "The President's position has always been in support of the love between two people, whether they be a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or a man and an insane, mass murdering monster, or . . . sorry . . . lost my train of thought . . . you know, it is actually pretty fucking sick. Wait - Keep that off the record."

In addition to these revelations, comments critical of Obama by conservative commentator Sarah Palin fueled further rumors late Wednesday. Jay Carney responded to these rumors at a White House press conference Thursday morning: "Sarah Palin? What? No, she's still just a dumb bitch."