Various Problems With the Movie Escape from New York

I have discovered three.

And why are we talking about a twenty-year-old movie? Because it was on Netflix instant viewing and I was bored. That's why.



First Problem:

Why didn't this conversation ever take place?

President (to his Cabinet): Crime has increased 400%. Our streets are a war zone. We need to act. We need ideas. Big ideas.

Secretary of the Interior: What if we deploy the National Guard to the worst areas of our cities?

Secretary of Defense: Declare martial law if necessary. A huge show of force.

Department of Education: Those are only temporary fixes. We need to educate the children before they turn to a life of crime.

President: Okay . . . okay.  Those are all good ideas. But I think I've figured it out.

(The assembled Cabinet members lean forward in their chairs, waiting for the President's plan)

President: Follow me here: What if . . . .What if we build a huge wall around Manhattan Island and then move all currently incarcerated people to this island. And all future incarcerated people will be placed here too. And here in this hellish, urban landscape they will create their own laws, their own society. And if they try to escape, they will be killed.

Secretary of the Interior: Well . . . okay . . . I . . . the entire island?

Secretary of Defense: Manhattan is the financial and cultural center of the world, Mr. President.

President: The entire island.

Department of Education: It's, ummm, it's good that we're brainstorming ideas here but maybe we . . . ummm . . . I'm not saying it's a bad idea, Mr. President. In fact, it's a . . . it's a very forward, ummm, forward-thinking idea and . . .

Secretary of Defense: . . . the financial and cultural center of the world.

Department of Education: If I may, Mr. President. Great idea, but . . . perhaps, just perhaps, there could be some issues with such a super prison. What if, say, a plane carrying civilians, or somebody important, crashed within its walls?

President: Oh, that's impossible. Nobody would be stupid enough to have a plane in the air within a thousand miles of such an apocalyptic hell on earth. Okay.  That settles it. My mind is made up. We began construction on the wall tomorrow.



Second Problem:

Cell phones weren't this big in 1997-

Third Problem:

And why didn't they have this conversation?

Vice President: Commisioner Hauk, I need you to rescue the President. We won't be able to send in the military. If the criminals see us coming, they'll kill the President on the spot.

United States Police Force Commissioner Bob Hauk: Yes, we need to act fast. Our options are limited. (thinking) (snaps fingers) I got it!

VP: What is it?

Hauk: We're going to send in just one man. This man will track down the President and then bring him back safety to us.

VP: One man? That might work. But we need just the right man.

Hauk: I know exactly who.

VP: Who? Secret service? Navy Seal? Delta Force?

Hauk: He was special forces, but now he's a career criminal.

VP: What?

Hauk: Snake Plissken.

VP: Wait, we have the best trained men in the world at our disposable. So why exactly are we sending in a criminal?

Hauk: Snake's the best.

VP: I'm sure he's good, but how do we know he won't kill the President himself? Or switch sides?

Hauk: We'll implant a small explosive charge into his neck. He will have to return the President to us in twenty-four hours or the charge will explode and kill him.

VP: I . . . wait, what? Explosive charges in his neck? What if he's ten minutes away from getting the President off the island and the charges go off? What if he's flying the fucking glider off the island when the charges go off? I just think that there might be a number of problems with this that you haven't considered.

Hauk: It has to be Snake.

VP: I think I saw a Marine right outside the door and we don't have to put any charges in his neck. And, hey, fuck it, why don't we send in like two or three or six guys? It's not like there's any rule that says we can only send in one. In fact, it seems like just sending in one would be a huge strategic error on our part. What if Snake slips and twists his ankle?

Hauk: Snake Plissken don't slip.

VP: You say that now, but . . .

Hauk: He don't slip.

VP: (to the rest of the room) Hey, could anyone here explain to this guy why sending in exactly one criminal with explosives buried in his neck isn't the best plan we can come up with to rescue the President? Anyone?