Lebron: Where Is Your God Now?

The Lebron Lepocalypse continues! Maybe there's something to this "putting two of the best four players in the NBA on the same team" thing.

I tried calling Most Valuable Player Derrick Rose this morning to get his thoughts on the game, but was thwarted when Lebron stepped in and blocked Rose's attempt to answer my call.

With the entire US rooting for a 7-foot tall German, who may or may not be a genetically-modified super soldier, while rooting against two young men from Akron and Chicago, this is like bizarro World War II. And we all know how that ended . . . though I guess it would end with Germany winning since it's bizarro WWII. So this will be more like normal World War II -

Miami in five.

Russell Westbrook: "I Never Learned How to Pass"

DALLAS, TX—During a post-game interview following Wednesday night's 100-96 loss to the Western Conference Champion Dallas Mavericks, Oklahoma City point guard Russell Westbrook confessed that he never learned how to pass. "I just never learned," said a dejected Westbrook, struggling to hold back tears. "I never learned."

Despite Westbrook averaging nearly five turnovers and shooting under 40% during the playoffs, his teammates confessed to not knowing the mercurial point guard's long hidden secret. "I guess it makes sense," said OKC forward Kevin Durant.  "I told him once we were going to practice passing and he said, 'You mean like passing to the basket?' It was weird, but I didn't give it much more thought."

OKC coach Scott Brooks said at a press conference Thursday morning, "When we would run passing drills at practice, Russell would always have to go move his car, or make an emergency call, or pick a friend up at the airport. In retrospect, it was sort of suspicious. I think we're all guilty of looking the other way. But now that we know we are going to get him the help that he needs."

With his secret finally out in the open, Westbrook participated in passing drills at an impromptu practice late Thursday afternoon. Though many of his early attempts sailed a yard or more over his teammates' heads, and others were thrown seemingly straight up into the air, Westbrook reiterated to reporters his newfound optimism: "I'm finally understanding what it means to be a teammate. Who would have thought, me, passing? Weird, huh?"

Jealous?

Yeah you are.



And to follow up on a story I covered here -


Zsa Zsa Gabor is unresponsive, hospitalized, husband says

"She got into a little coma," Prince Frederic von Anhalt said.

This is where I make some stupid joke about what exactly constitutes a "little" coma, but before I can do that -

Gabor was taken to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center Tuesday afternoon because the feeding tube inserted into her stomach was "bleeding ... like a fountain," her spokesman said.

Wait - What the FLYING FUCK! Why the fuck is this poor women still being kept alive? She's 94 and just had a leg amputated! Is this performance art? What the fuck is going on? Is this a bad Twilight Zone episode? A David Lynch movie? Is this "The Lottery?" Are we fucking with Zsa Zsa to insure a good harvest? Hey, don't get me wrong: I like a good harvest as much as the next guy but . . . ahhhhh, actually, you know what, I really do like a good harvest. Fine, carry on.

Mmmmm . . . corn.

From the Country That Brought You Crocodile Dundee and the Koala -

Australia man plunges to 'planking' death

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43036847/ns/world_news-asiapacific/

"Planking," a growing craze in Australia and spreading elsewhere, involves somebody lying flat on one's stomach, stiff as a plank, in unexpected places.

I, um, I - wait - what? Planking? Does this have something to do with that Bieber-thing I keep hearing about? It better not.

Happy Mother's Day Mothers of the World!

This! This is what you mean to us!

Free e-cards and brunch at IHOP or Applebees, whichever is closest and/or we have a coupon for. And also the movie Troy for some reason that I'm not altogether clear on right now.

Rush Limbaugh: "Yes, Osama was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand!"

Remind me again why The Onion doesn't hire me write for them? Is it because I sent them an unsolicited email quoting my price at $700 per word, or $50,000 per article, whichever is higher? These words, they're gold Jerry! Gold!

NEW YORK CITY, NY—The political world was rocked by radio talk show host and right-wing proponent Rush Limbaugh's shocking admission that a decade long romance with mass murder and Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden was at the root of his recent attacks against President Obama.

Initial suspicions of the strange, untoward affair between the rotund radio announcer and the mass murderer of nearly three-thousand men, women, and children were raised Monday morning when Mr. Limbaugh launched into a bizarre diatribe aimed at President Obama, just hours after the President had announced to the world the killing of Osama bin Laden at the hands of U.S. special operations forces.

After an opening monologue where Mr. Limbaugh sarcastically praised the efforts of President Obama, the radio show took an unexpected and dark turn when Mr. Limbaugh faced questions from a caller.

George from Trenton: Why all the hate for Obama, Rush? He went in there and put a bullet in that [censored]'s head. And after Bush proved as impotent as an effeminate castrato to do the same.

Limbaugh: Listen here, George. A man died! A man! Do you understand that? A human being!

George: What? People were jumping out of skyscrapers while on fire, Rush!

Limbaugh: Listen you [censored]! Do you want the truth? Do you? Yes, Osama was the most wonderful person I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never understand!

George: Wait, what?

A White House source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated Tuesday that evidence of the affair was uncovered by the intelligence community soon after the May 1st raid that claimed the life of Osama bin Laden and four others. "The copy of [Rush Limbaugh's] See, I Told You So, signed, "To my dearest Mujahideen Osama! LOVE U 4 EVA BOO! You're[sic] Rushypoo," on the dresser was sort of a tip off. Plus all those photos of them on vacation. And those videos of them . . . them . . . look, I really don't want to go into it right now."

The President has declined to comment on the affair, which, according to personal emails leaked by a government source to the Associated Press early Wednesday, seems to have blossomed over Mr. Limbaugh and Osama Bin Laden's mutual hatred of Former President Clinton and "the Liberal Devil."

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reaffirmed the President's support for equality in all facets of life. "The President's position has always been in support of the love between two people, whether they be a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, or a man and an insane, mass murdering monster, or . . . sorry . . . lost my train of thought . . . you know, it is actually pretty fucking sick. Wait - Keep that off the record."

In addition to these revelations, comments critical of Obama by conservative commentator Sarah Palin fueled further rumors late Wednesday. Jay Carney responded to these rumors at a White House press conference Thursday morning: "Sarah Palin? What? No, she's still just a dumb bitch."

Various Problems With the Movie Escape from New York

I have discovered three.

And why are we talking about a twenty-year-old movie? Because it was on Netflix instant viewing and I was bored. That's why.



First Problem:

Why didn't this conversation ever take place?

President (to his Cabinet): Crime has increased 400%. Our streets are a war zone. We need to act. We need ideas. Big ideas.

Secretary of the Interior: What if we deploy the National Guard to the worst areas of our cities?

Secretary of Defense: Declare martial law if necessary. A huge show of force.

Department of Education: Those are only temporary fixes. We need to educate the children before they turn to a life of crime.

President: Okay . . . okay.  Those are all good ideas. But I think I've figured it out.

(The assembled Cabinet members lean forward in their chairs, waiting for the President's plan)

President: Follow me here: What if . . . .What if we build a huge wall around Manhattan Island and then move all currently incarcerated people to this island. And all future incarcerated people will be placed here too. And here in this hellish, urban landscape they will create their own laws, their own society. And if they try to escape, they will be killed.

Secretary of the Interior: Well . . . okay . . . I . . . the entire island?

Secretary of Defense: Manhattan is the financial and cultural center of the world, Mr. President.

President: The entire island.

Department of Education: It's, ummm, it's good that we're brainstorming ideas here but maybe we . . . ummm . . . I'm not saying it's a bad idea, Mr. President. In fact, it's a . . . it's a very forward, ummm, forward-thinking idea and . . .

Secretary of Defense: . . . the financial and cultural center of the world.

Department of Education: If I may, Mr. President. Great idea, but . . . perhaps, just perhaps, there could be some issues with such a super prison. What if, say, a plane carrying civilians, or somebody important, crashed within its walls?

President: Oh, that's impossible. Nobody would be stupid enough to have a plane in the air within a thousand miles of such an apocalyptic hell on earth. Okay.  That settles it. My mind is made up. We began construction on the wall tomorrow.



Second Problem:

Cell phones weren't this big in 1997-

Third Problem:

And why didn't they have this conversation?

Vice President: Commisioner Hauk, I need you to rescue the President. We won't be able to send in the military. If the criminals see us coming, they'll kill the President on the spot.

United States Police Force Commissioner Bob Hauk: Yes, we need to act fast. Our options are limited. (thinking) (snaps fingers) I got it!

VP: What is it?

Hauk: We're going to send in just one man. This man will track down the President and then bring him back safety to us.

VP: One man? That might work. But we need just the right man.

Hauk: I know exactly who.

VP: Who? Secret service? Navy Seal? Delta Force?

Hauk: He was special forces, but now he's a career criminal.

VP: What?

Hauk: Snake Plissken.

VP: Wait, we have the best trained men in the world at our disposable. So why exactly are we sending in a criminal?

Hauk: Snake's the best.

VP: I'm sure he's good, but how do we know he won't kill the President himself? Or switch sides?

Hauk: We'll implant a small explosive charge into his neck. He will have to return the President to us in twenty-four hours or the charge will explode and kill him.

VP: I . . . wait, what? Explosive charges in his neck? What if he's ten minutes away from getting the President off the island and the charges go off? What if he's flying the fucking glider off the island when the charges go off? I just think that there might be a number of problems with this that you haven't considered.

Hauk: It has to be Snake.

VP: I think I saw a Marine right outside the door and we don't have to put any charges in his neck. And, hey, fuck it, why don't we send in like two or three or six guys? It's not like there's any rule that says we can only send in one. In fact, it seems like just sending in one would be a huge strategic error on our part. What if Snake slips and twists his ankle?

Hauk: Snake Plissken don't slip.

VP: You say that now, but . . .

Hauk: He don't slip.

VP: (to the rest of the room) Hey, could anyone here explain to this guy why sending in exactly one criminal with explosives buried in his neck isn't the best plan we can come up with to rescue the President? Anyone?

Hey! Rest of the World! Still #1

Do you have any idea what day Nate was brought into this world? Any idea at all?

September 12, 1979.

Yep.

So here's to ruining my 22nd birthday.

Burn in hell motherfucker.

I Am Too Classy to Make Obvious Jokes About This ESPN.COM Photo

Yep.

Too classy.

It's not that sort of blog, people.

Move on.

Nothing to see here.