Nate Blogs About a Movie From Six Years Ago So You Don't Have To

And that movie is

[drumroll]

The Butterfly Effect

Starring none other than Ashton "Look, I started dating Demi when she was forty and hot and I guess I didn't really do the math because I guess I'm going to be 33 and she's going to be - what? - 50?  Is that right?  No, that can't be right.  Really?  50?  God, I didn't think this through.  50?  50?  What the fuck, man?  What the fuck have I done?  I'm a professional male model and a movie star!  What the fuck?  Fuck!" Kutcher.  That's his real legal name.  No kidding.  Look it up.  [Editor's Note: Don't look it up.]

Let me preface this by saying that I watched The Director's Cut of The Butterfly Effect.  From what I can cull from the Wikipedia, it differs significantly from the theatrical version, including a wholly different ending which drastically changes the tone / meaning of the film.  I suspect the Director's Cut also includes quite a bit of supporting material that helps hold the film together, as this is the sort of stuff that tends to get cut, the effect being that the resultant film is nonsensical.

So, why are we talking about The Butterfly Effect?  We're talking about The Butterfly Effect because it's my goddamn blog and I can blog about whatever I want.  Also, I'm out of ideas.  Three or four hundred blogs later, I got nothin'.  Nothin'.  Here's the scene I want to discuss.

It goes a little something like this:

[Ashton is led through a prison as prisoners pelt him with refuse and taunt him.  He arrives at his cell.  Ashton's cellmate is present.]

Cellmate:  So, your first time in the joint?

Ashton:  Ummm, yeah.  So . . . ummm . . . can you protect me? 

Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  And, yes folks, I just checked with the Guinness people and we officially have a winner in the category of "Shortest Time Elapsed in Movie History From Entering a Prison to Offering to be Somebody's Prison Bitch."

Come on, Ashton.  You've got play the field a bit, see what's out there.  What happens if your cellmate is already somebody's bitch?  Then what?  You're the bitch of a bitch now?  Is that even possible?  I mean, that can't be a good thing, right?  The bitch of a bitch?  Not good, right?  Doesn't the prison have some sort of bulletin board where you can go survey potential, ummm, I don't even know what the word is.  Protectors?  Sure, let's go with that.  Protectors.

So, all I'm saying, Ashton, is ask around, get some references, talk to some people.  You know, put yourself out there.  When it comes to prison protectors, you really want to find the best one for you, one that fits like a glove . . . errr . . .  ummm . . . God that's just a poor idiom to use there.  Anyway . . . Remember: Deciding whose prison bitch you're going to be is a big decision and one that should not be taken lightly.

I GOT MY SONG ON THE DAVES OF THUNDER PODCAST!

I don't think I've ever mentioned this in Internet Land, but I'm a big Adam Carolla fan and listen to his podcast on a regular basis.  I'm also a fan of the Daves of Thunder podcast, which is one of the shows on Carolla's ACE Broadcasting Network.  I've actually been listening to Dave Dameshek since back when he was on ESPN radio.  The show plays listener submitted songs on a regular basis, so I wrote a song using samples from the show and submitted it to the show's producer, Jacuzzi Pete. a few weeks ago.  And never heard a word.  Then on the next podcast the Daves make a big deal about how Jacuzzi Pete is at home really sick, so I figured that it's just my luck that I submitted the song when he's ill and it probably never got listened to.  I'm at home today, furloughed for the week, listening to the newest Daves of Thunder podcast and playing video games when -

http://www.adamcarolla.com/DNDBlog/2010/12/19/episode-lvii/

You can start listening at 19:40 when the Daves provide some context for my song - "I'll Be Your Sink" - (you'll definitely want a little context because it won't make much sense otherwise).  Of course, the song is then followed by Jacuzzi Pete mentioning that he forgot who the hell I'm am, followed by me having a minor heart attack.  Eventually he finds my name and mentions me at the 25 minute mark.

And mispronounces it.

As everybody does.

Sigh.

Baty!  Long A!  Like Warren Beatty!  Not Batty!  NOT BATTY!  Oh well, at least it got in there.  Here's a higher quality version of the song -

http://music.nathanbaty.com/music/I'll Be Your Sink.mp3

Hopefully the song will be listed on the website's fan songs page  - http://www.adamcarolla.com/DNDBlog/2010/08/11/fan-songs/ at some point.

Quick Question -

So, if someone were to spend a few hundred dollars on a nice leather chair for his desk, does it still count if he always has to keep a large bath towel draped over the back of it because his cat is essentially a flying monkey with knives for hands?

Like this, but even knifeyer and more tearing-expensive-leatherier -

Craig Kilborn - He's Dead, Right?

What?  No?  He has a TV show?  A TV TV show?  Like not some sort of TV podcast-thing?  Huh.  Weird.  Well, as we all know, the internet does not lie.  It can only love.  And host approximately twelve billion hours of porn.

Good, Cleveland! Your Hate Has Made You Powerful!

This is my 1,432nd attempt at creating a popular internet meme.

Do You Like Movies About Gladiators?

Hey, Internet!  How's it going?  Remember how we've all been quoting Leslie Nielsen lines for the last fifteen years and then he died and then everybody was like - oh wait, you're all a bunch of liars because not a single person quoted a Leslie Nielsen line once this decade before yesterday.  Not once! Liars!  He didn't even have the best line in Airplane!, which is the title of this blog.  But keep those tweets coming, kiddies.  Though he probably would have appreciated it if any of you had given a fuck about him back when he was still sucking air on this earth.

Take a good, hard look, America!  Those are the things you care about!  Those are the things!  Well, not so much the last one., but you get my point.  You can't deny what you are!  Go watch Jackass 3D and drink a Mountain Dew!  Do it!  DO IT!

And what's the deal with Twitter? #CueSeinfeldTheme.  Can we stop now?  Can we?  Look, let me break it down for you.  You're not clever in 140 characters.  You're not clever in 70 characters.   Or even 35.  Care I do not, I do not care You're not clever on the stairs You're not clever on a bear You're not clever on a chair or in pairs or riding mares You're just not clever anywhere.  Sorry to have to Seuss you but is important that you know that you are not clever and that you certainly are not clever because you throw in some hashtag at the end of your not clever tweet #DoingItWrong #StillNotClever.   So just stop it.  Let it go.  We all know twitter won't exist in ten years, probably five, maybe three, so let it go and we can all return to using the internet for porn and videos of cats on treadmills.  Just like the Good Lord intended.  Let it go.  Let it go . . . #LetItGo

Merry Thanksgiving!

Table for one, Mr. Baty?

Hey! Is It Just Me or Does Anne Hathaway Have That "My Mouth Is Too Big for My Face - Julia Roberts Thing" Going On?

She does, right?  Is it a medical condition?  Does it have a name?  I mean, if your mouth takes up eight tenths of the lower part of your face, that's not normal, right?  Well, whatever - according to the internet she's nude in every other scene in her new movie, so she's got that going for her.

And in music news, I've broken my musical hiatus and wrote these two songs in the last few weeks -

http://music.nathanbaty.com/music/workinprogress1.mp3

http://music.nathanbaty.com/music/Work In Progress 2.mp3

This Week In . . . Strippers

Federal judge: I helped stripper buy cocaine

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40277197/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/

A veteran federal judge who was arrested on charges that he bought and used drugs with a stripper pleaded guilty Friday to two-drug related charge[.]

When a judge asked Camp if the charges were accurate, he replied, "I regret ... I am embarrassed to say it is, your honor." Neither he nor his attorneys offered any explanation for his actions.  

Explanations for his actions?  Really?  You need an explanation?  Here, let me help - 

Conversely -

You're welcome.

Nate Uses MS Paint to Fix Wikipedia

And a quick followup to my last blog -


http://www.theroot.com/multimedia/kanye-wests-top-10-most-egocentric-moments

Kanye singing one of his songs on a commercial flight?  Check.  Sending women pictures of his penis?  Check.  Crashing the stage at the 2006 European VMA?  Check.   Assaulting a paparazzo?  Check.

I swear the internet exists just to reinforce how right I am about things.  Remember this three years from now when Kanye is sitting on Oprah's couch, talking about how he had to crawl out of a bottle.  Remember!

Kanye West May Be the Most Important Musical Artist Now Working - Also, He's Completely Insane

In keeping with the spirit of yesterday's blog about how all music ever made is now free, I bring you a review of Kanye West's new album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, which hasn't been released yet.  To clarify: Not only is music now free, it's available before you could even pay money for it.  Well, keep on trucking, music industry.  I'm sure you'll think of something.  Ahhh, who are we kidding!  You got nothing!  Nothing!  Now go burn in hell for all eternity for keeping CD prices absurdly high.  So on to the review:

It's good.  Real good.  That's about the extent of a music review you'll get from me.  Go listen to the album if you want to know more.  Now, let's talk about Kanye West.  He's fucking nuts.  But you already knew that, so let me tell you something else about Mr. West, something I'm surprised isn't mentioned more: He has a drinking problem.  Or as some of us more sensitive to the issue would prefer to say, a drinking "conundrum."  And this is coming from a guy who likes the sauce more than the av-er-age bear.

Kanye's behavior, specifically the outburst during the Hurricane Katrina telethon and the Taylor Swift MTV Video Awards Incident, isn't something that a person does because he's a megalomaniacal asshole.  His behavior is that of a man who has balls the size of cantaloupes because of Sweet, Sweet Lady Liquor.  Sure, Kanye is probably a megalomaniacal asshole too, but I can't stress enough that in those two incidents Kanye is clearly letting the booze do the talking.  And booze likes to talk.  A lot.  About things it probably shouldn't talk about.  Scary things.

I did do the requisite googling, which counts as research in the dawning days of the 21st century, and found some stories about Kanye and booze, so this isn't a groundbreaking insight on my part.  Kanye even throws in a few "I drink too much" lines in the songs on this album.  I wanted to bring this issue to the forefront because so many people readily paint his actions as those of an insanely rich, out of control lunatic when really he's no different than your average asshole who's had two pitchers of margaritas too many at the karaoke club on a Saturday night.  Kanye just gets to do his embarrassing drunk dance in front of millions of people.  While wearing a snakeskin suit, shutter shades, and terrifying Taylor Swift.

In conclusion -

That'll do, internet.  That'll do.

This Week In . . . The Beatles

Working It Out, iTunes to Sell Beatles Titles

Apple and the Beatles: A Long and Winding Road

Let it be available: the Beatles hit iTunes

The Beatles' entire catalogue on iTunes - yeah, yeah, yeah

[INSERT OWN TITLE WITH POORLY CONCEIVED BEATLES PUN HERE]

And in other news . . .

ALL MUSIC EVER MADE HAS BEEN AVAILABLE FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET FOR OVER A DECADE.

Come here, young internet child, and take a seat on Uncle Nate's lap [Editor's Note: Mr. Baty doesn't like to be touched so please do not sit on his lap.].  Do you know what happened the day the music died?  No, a plane didn't crash.  The music died a day many years ago when I, sitting on my ass in front of my computer, downloaded an album I actually owned on CD rather than fish through my entire CD collection to find it.  That's the day the music died, kiddies.

Now, go get Uncle Nate a beer and then leave him alone to reflect on a simpler, profoundly boring-er time when music was this thing you could only acquire through the purchase of these strange, metallic discs that would cast rainbows on the walls when you held them just so in the light.  Yes, music was once a thing you had to pay for and it had a physical form.  I know I can't explain to you what that was like.  And there's so much more I wish I could share with you.  I've seen things you internet children wouldn't believe.  Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.  Albums selling in a year what they once sold in a week.  I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate and a once powerful industry brought to unthinkable irrelevance and unprofitability.  All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.  Time to die. [Editor's Note: Again, that's actually the ending to Blade Runner.]

TGSBEIT: The Greatest Liar In Sportsdom

http://www.csnwashington.com/11/11/10/Arenas-Scared-of-Getting-Booed/landing_word_bball.html

Arenas 'Scared of Getting Booed'

Gilbert Arenas recently told Sports Illustrated the real reason he sat out the Wizards home opener in October wasn't, as he originally told reporters, to rest his thrice-surgically-repaired knee, nor was it the excuse he gave the next day, that he wanted to give backup point guard Nick Young the chance to play.

"I was really scared of getting booed," says Arenas.


In honor of Gilbert Arenas' Inception-inspired lies within lies within lies, I present to you a man to whom Gilbert cannot hold a candle, the Greatest Liar Ever In Sports (TM).  Ladies and Gentlemen:

Wilt Chamberlain

Known for crashing the backboards on the court, NBA great Wilt Chamberlain did more than his fair share of crashing the headboards off the court.  The headboards of beds.  Beds with a lot of women on them.  A lot a lot.

In his autobiography, A View From Above, Wilt Chamberlain outrageously claimed to have slept with over twenty-thousand women.  That's a two with four zeroes after it.  That's over one new woman a day for decades.  The claim angered many in the black community, who accused Wilt of reinforcing negative racial stereotypes.

However, all the hubbub was for not, because Wilt was one of the greatest liars ever in the HISTORY OF TIME.

The real number?  Three million.  Including your mom.

This Week In . . .

How hasn't this been a CSI: Miami episode yet?

Woman sentenced in antifreeze margarita death

A woman drew a 23-year prison sentence Wednesday for killing her alcoholic boyfriend by lacing a jug of margarita cocktails with antifreeze at her apartment.

Horatio:  Some people claim that there's a woman to blame.  But I know, (Removes Sunglasses) I'll find out who's at fault.

Hollywait . . . What? The Matrix

Introducing my newest segment, where I rewrite movies for your enjoyment.  First up -

Morpheus:  So you see, Neo, the machines are using these helpless humans as an energy source.

Neo: Wow.  So they're using them as . . . batteries?

Morpheus:  Correct.

Neo:  That's horrible!

Morpheus:  Yes, yes it is.

Neo:  But, Morpheus, I have one question.

Morpheus:  Ask me anything.

Neo:  It's just, wouldn't that be horribly inefficient?

Morpheus:  What do you mean?

Neo:  Wouldn't it be horribly inefficient to use humans as an energy source?  The machines would have to provide the people with some form of nourishment to keep them alive.  Why wouldn't the machines use whatever they are pumping into the people as the energy source instead?

Morpheus:  I'm not sure I follow you, Neo.

Neo:  Look at it this way.  Say you have a car.  And say you fill that car with gasoline and then you run that car on a huge treadmill that powers a generator.

Morpheus:  Okay.

Neo:  It would be much more efficient to use the gasoline to power the generator instead of using the gasoline to power the car to power the treadmill to power the generator.

Morpheus:  Hmmm.  Interesting.  I'll think about that.  But right now we really should get going.

Neo:  How could some highly advanced machine civilization that enslaved all of humanity not know something so basic?

Morpheus:  Come on, Neo.  Enough questions.  Let's go.

Neo:  It just doesn't make any sense . . . and now that I think about it . . . why is some old guy in designer sunglasses and a full-length leather jacket offering me magical pills and talking about going through the rabbit hole?

Morpheus:  Neo . . .

Neo:  Ummm, you know what, it's cool.  I think I'll just wait here for a minute.

Morpheus:  Neo, let's go.  Now.

Neo:  I'll . . . ummm . . . I'll catch up with you.

Morpheus:  Look here city boy, you best get your sweet little ass moving 'cause you ain't going nowhere nohow.  You dig?

[Dueling Banjos Plays]

Remember Kids: Kevin Garnett Hates People Who Have Cancer. And Puppies.

If you follow sports at all, you've probably come across this story in the last few days -

Villanueva tweet: 'KG called me a cancer patient'

Detroit's Charlie Villanueva appeared to launch some strong accusations at Boston's Kevin Garnett following the Celtics' 109-86 triumph over the Pistons Tuesday night at The Palace of Auburn Hills, suggesting via Twitter that Garnett called him a "cancer patient" as part of in-game trash-talking.

If you don't know, Charlie Villanueva is this guy -

a basketball player who suffers from alopecia universalis, a disease which causes him to have no hair, hence the "cancer patient" comment from Kevin Garnett.

Yesterday, Danny Ainge, the director of basketball operations for the Boston Celtics, defended Kevin Garnett with this argument -

http://sports.espn.go.com/boston/nba/news/story?id=5765301

[T]hat's just not something I've ever heard -- in 30 years -- ever say, in trash talking. What is logical in a trash talking situation for a player to say to another player, 'You have cancer' or 'You are cancer'?"

What is logical?  Ummm, the fact that the taunt is directed at a person who doesn't have hair, you know, like people who have undergone chemotherapy for cancer?  If you're too stupid to understand that, Mr. Ainge, then you probably shouldn't be allowed to eat soup unattended, let alone run a basketball team.

ESPN's Bill Simmons, The Most Popular Sportswriter in America (TM), and huuuuuuuuge Celtics fan, addressed the matter in a sidebar to Friday's football column -

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnfl2010/101105

Bill Simmons offers up a defense of sorts by supporting the position that ESPN NBA analysts and former NBA players Jon Barry and Jalen Rose took on the matter -

To my delight, they [Jon Barry and Jalen Rose] both played the "what's said on the court should stay on the court" and "when I played, I heard MUCH worse than that" cards, even blaming Villanueva for breaking an unwritten code of sorts.  The best part: Jalen admitted that, back in the day, his trash-talking was consistently more vicious than what Garnett allegedly said.

You delight is misplaced, Bill.  Jon and Jalen come across as two old ex-jocks who are resigned to the TV studio instead of the basketball court, who puff out their chests at any chance they get because, I'd bet dollars to donuts, their dicks don't work anymore [Editor's Note: Remind me to take that out before this goes to print].  Speaking of doughnuts, they should have another one with Charles Barkley and leave the "things were different in my day" stories at home. They're an ancient baseball player who rattles on about how nobody today throws it as hard as Cy Young.  They're your grandfather talking about Jack Dempsey.  They're what happens to ex-athletes when the game has left them behind, yet they stagger pathetically after it.  They're jokes.  Punchlines.

Now Nate, you say, you sure are bringing out the big word-guns on Bill Simmons and Company with little provocation.  They're actually a good reason for my bile and it is this:  Months ago, Bill Simmons flipped out at an LA Times blogger who made a joke about an nightclub incident in 2000 where Celtics Star Paul Pierce was stabbed eleven times.

The LA Times removed the joke from the blog and I'm sure that Bill Simmons sending his entire internet army after it hastened the LA Times' decision.

To be honest, I'm not offended by Kevin Garnett's cancer jab and I'm not offended by the blogger's stabbing joke.  I am offended that Bill Simmons is so quick to look past Garnett's actions when he so recently went bonkers over somebody who made a joke that is certainly no more offensive than Garnett calling a guy a cancer patient.  You can't play your holier-than-thou card if you're going to pocket it every time somebody wearing the green and white says something stupid.

Bells! Whistles! Bellwhistles! Is That a Thing? I Don't Know!

.

 

Exciting news on the blogfront, which is a lot like a battlefront, but with, you know, blogs and not battles.  Oddly, France has surrendered when faced with both.  

So on to the exciting news.  First, I'd like to announce all new sponsorships -

I'm not even joking.  Those are actual ads from my Google Adsense sidebar.  Two things:

(1) The Muslim Singles ad was next to this blog, where, in regards to a politician questioning the war in Afghanistan, I wrote - 

That's like what we have here, only if the person you were talking to also paused mid-conversation to urinate on the graves of three-thousand Americans before continuing, which would certainly be awkward to say the least.

That's what you would call a Google Sensitivity Fail, or GSF.

(2) On a scale of One to Hitler, how bad of a person does it make me that the first thing that sprang into my mind when I saw the Equestrian Singles ad was "Bestiality Porn?"  It can't make me too terrible of a person because you all thought of it as well, right?  Do no lie to me!  DO NOT LIE!

Exciting news the second:

As of this minute, I'm promoting my cat to Head Copywriter.

And exciting news the third:

I've decided that we need a little more order around here, a little more structure.  I've been toying with the idea of having a number of blog themes with graphics and everything for some time now.  The impetus behind this was my desire to republish some old blogs, perhaps updated, and to preface them with a graphic like this -

If I'm writing about sports, then I think I'm going to use my old sports blog header -

Make sense?  No?  Well it doesn't matter if it makes sense because it is progress and you can't stop it.

Nanowrimo Redux? or: Why the Hell Didn't I Get Me Some of That Vampire Money?

Years ago, I had this conversation with my big shot Hollywood agent:

Agent: Nate!  Baby!  I got one word for you!  One word!

Nate: Yeah?

Agent: Vampires!

Nate:  Vampires?

Agent: Vampires!

Nate: So fiction about vampires?

Agent: It's going to be huge, baby!  Huge!

Nate: Yeah, I don't know.  I was thinking about blogging.  Maybe blogging about my cat.

Agent: Nate, baby - blogging is great!  It's the future, baby!  And everybody loves your cat!  But vampires!  It's going to be huge!  Harry Potter huge!

Nate: I don't know.  Vampires . . . I'll think about it.

Needless to say I did not think about it.  And now every single middle-aged housewife in America has made a small fortune off of vampire fiction while my cat blogs go largely unnoticed.

Well all that is about to change since I think I'm going to attempt NaNoWriMo again.  As many of you may recall [Editor's Note: Many?] I defeated NaNoWriMo in 2006.

I've had an idea for an Urban Fantasy book for awhile now and figure that the only way I'll ever actually write any of it is if I force myself to attempt NaNoWriMo again.  I doubt I'll hit the fifty-thousand words, but it's a start.  And a quick warning to anyone who's attempting NaNoWriMo - I've had this conversation more than a few times:

Nate: So it's called NaNoWriMo.  You have to write fifty-thousands words in a month.

Person: Fifty-thousand words?  That doesn't sound too hard.

Nate: No, it's pretty hard.

Person: But that's only, what, fifteen-hundred words a day?

Stop.  Right there.  Fifteen-hundred words might not sound like a lot, but I would wager that most people wouldn't be able to sit down and type "the" fifteen-hundreds times a day for thirty days, let alone actually create something semi-coherent.  And remember that's fifteen-hundred words every day.  For a month.  Skip one day and you're looking at three-thousand the next and so on.

Okay.  Now that we got that cleared up, I'm off to use the internet to figure out what exactly a vampire is.  It's some sort of lizard-thing, right?  Like this?

Right?